My Self-Quarantined Life or Something Like That

Hi Everyone! I hope you’re all staying safe and healthy during these crazy few weeks. It’s been a long time since I’ve sat down and wrote anything other than an email for work but this new quarantined existence of ours has brought me back to the blog. I wanted to just sit down and share my new life with the world so here it is, enjoy!

I’ve basically been self-quarantined for the last THREE weeks as today marks the 21st day of working from home. The first week was great, I didn’t have to wake up early, dress up, or get on Bart for work. I just woke up 15 minutes before work started and went to my spot on the couch with the laptop. Once work was done, I was already home so I got to the gym an hour earlier which in turn meant I got back home earlier. This gave me so much more time to watch tv and play videogames. Life was great! Until week two came.

It started off just like week one did. I was happy to be working from home and enjoying the extra time. Then something major happened. I couldn’t go to the gym… The gym has been part of my routine for years now and suddenly, I had no way of breaking up the monotony of the day. I went from just having two more hours a day to myself to having four more hours of sitting at home doing absolutely nothing. Food started to not taste as good, none of my usual media outlets were as entertaining as before (except for GOT’s), and I even stopped laughing at fart jokes. My home was slowly becoming an inescapable house of horrors!

By the third week, I’ve started to lose my mind. The other day the floor turned into hot molten lava. The lava just kept rising and I had to act quickly so I hopped from couch to couch until I was close enough to make one last jump to the stairs for all the marbles. I made the jump but my right shoe (goes by the name of Ernest) did not. As I mourned the loss of Ernest while at the bottom of the stairs, I looked up to see a creature straight from mythology. With a look back at the rising lava, I braved the steep climb up the stairs to find a majestic, multicolored, Sphynx. It was impossible to ignore the beauty of the ancient beast. Its golden body was brighter than the lava below and beautifully contrasted by it’s blinding white feathered wings. My eyes continued up, past the monster’s glorious mane, to finally rest on a face that put all others to shame. Staring back at me with piercing yet soothing eyes, was the face of Keanu Reeves.

Before I could say a word, the Keanu Sphynx spoke in a booming voice and offered me a riddle. “If ye can answer the riddle of time, ye may pass. But if ye fail my test, ye shall be doomed to melt slowly for eternity.” With the lava starting up the stairs I had no choice. I accepted Keanu’s terms and eagerly awaited his riddle. He gave a deep nod before continuing with, “What is nutty and jealous, yet contained?”. This threw me for a loop! Nutty and jealous yet contained? What the hell could that be. I racked my quarantined brain for an answer, but nothing came to mind. I must have sat under the Sphynx’s shadow for 3 days as the Keanu Sphynx patiently waited. On the third day, as I looked to the east, a small pebble of a thought materialized. Back in week two of the quarantine I watched the movie The Interview and I remembered a quote that went like, “He’s peanut butter and jealous”. I then looked up at Keanu and laughed manically.

I couldn’t believe how long it had taken me to figure the out riddle, but I did it! I looked into the eyes of the Keanu Sphynx and began my soliloquy. The nutty part referred to the chunky peanut butter in the cabinet while the jealous part of the riddle referred to the quote. The word that you would expect in that quote is jelly. That left the final part of the riddle, which was that both were contained. The bread of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich contains the other two! When I finally replied with “A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is the answer” Keanu smiled and began to transform. Slowly, all the beast’s features began to melt away as if he was the one with lava at his back. To my ultimate surprise, the eroding features gave way to reveal my dog, Zip.

This whole time I had just been talking to my dog! It straight blew my quarantined mind until I remembered that I just got up to go grab my peanut butter and jelly sandwich and stopped to pet Zip. What a crazy day. Well anyway, the self-quarantine is really starting to get to me. I hope it ends soon but, in the meantime, stay safe and healthy everyone!

Hopefully this totally bonkers story (or maybe it was real, who knows) brightened up your day.

The Most Embarrassing Moment of My Life

No, that title is not an exaggeration. The most embarrassing moment I can remember happened to me a couple months ago and it took this long for me to be able to write about it without uncomfortably squirming. This is the story of how I was mistaken for a bum.

Once a year I take my 49er’s piggy bank to the closest Coinstar in order to exchange the leftover change that I have accumulated. This year I was really excited for some extra spending money because my piggy bank was filled to the brim. It was a lazy Saturday so I had sweats and a Star Wars long sleeve with a fresh new haircut (or so I thought). I drove down to the local Safeway and got the receipt from the Coinstar for over $200 worth of coins. You know how much food and video games I can buy with that kind of money, like one game and two meals. Needless to say, I was juiced! I had to take my receipt and get cash at the register so I waited until it was my turn. This is where the day took a turn for the worst…

I’m not gunna lie to you guys, I thought I was looking good that day. As I said, I had a fresh haircut and my favorite long sleeve. I hadn’t eaten all day so I was feeling not as fat as normal. I also was getting money so I felt pretty great overall. That is, until it was my turn at the register. I handed the cashier my receipt and explained that was all I was there for. While she was getting the bills ready for me, the woman behind me whispered “it happens to all of us”. First off, you can’t just whisper things like that in someones ear out of nowhere. I literally jumped and had instant goosebumps I was so scared. On top of that though, she slid something into my hand while the whisper still echoed. I looked down to realize she had put a five dollar bill in my hand with the deftness of someone buying drugs in broad daylight. This was the moment my legs started to sweat despite how eerily cold the room had become.

I completely froze. I had no idea what had just happened and the woman was just standing there, staring into my very soul. I felt as if the whole store was suddenly aware of only me and my weird Star Wars shirt, judging my stupid haircut that made my head look oddly shaped. I was so surprised and embarrassed that all I could do was whisper “Thank you”, turn to the cashier, accept my $200, and dip out of there. I swear to God I have never moved faster than I did in that moment. I basically sprinted out the door, with my sweaty legs making weird noises, to my car where I finally stopped to go over the horrific events of the last 5 minutes.

As I hid from the world in my car, I realized that this woman must have thought I looked homeless. Apparently, I looked so disheveled with my sweats, shirt, and horrible haircut, that she assumed I needed some money. To this day I can’t believe how amazingly generous this woman was but did I really look that bad?? My confidence has forever been shaken after this one. One of the worst parts about it though is I know I should have given the money back to her but she looked at me so convincingly that I freaked out and ran away. It just adds to the most embarrassing moment of my life. All I know is that I still wake up sweating in the middle of the night just thinking about that goose bump inducing whisper. So to the woman who gave me money thinking I was a bum, thank you very much. I will never step out of my house again.